It’s better to die laughing than to live each moment in fear~
Well, all I can say is that if the word fear was invented by my mother, I wouldn’t have been surprised!
She was not afraid, no! She is a fearless whirlwind force! But she would evoke the fear of Her in us!
Her Mother died when she was born, last of a wonderful start of a family of 5 siblings, dear grandfather married again to have a wife take care of the kids, mom was born when the market crashed! What a year it was too!
Her step-mama was not too nice when her own kids were born! The family now had 5 more kids totally of 10!
No matter, Grandfather was resourceful and they did not starve, they thrived and the step-mama kept pushing the step-kids out the door, the boys joined the military the girls out to marry!
Mom was not allowed to marry who she chose, therefore swore to marry the first to ask!
So my father not knowing this was the victim! They met and married in 3 months!
My father’ mother decided she’s not going to like her daughter in law!
A war was declared and thus life wen on…
I was the first born, named after my paternal grandmother as tradition request, thus I was her favorite! I was her heir! When my brothers were born they were heirs to grandfather stuff!
All I can remember in the early years sparks always fired around my parents! I eventually learned that the marriage was a success and happy!
But Mom always demanded utter obedience and it was her way or no way! I look like my Paternal Grandmother! She looked at me she saw her, her character, her ways and I paid the price, still paying! But I survived!
What I say doesn’t count, what I do doesn’t matter and what I learned doesn’t exists! She made sure the whole family followed that philosophy, and so on to anyone marrying into our family! She was in her glory with her reign!
After 30-40 years of it it caught up to her! Her friends seeing her narrow mindness, left her, stop calling and just forgot her! Her cruel tongue did not help either! But we as her children stayed, strayed and came back when father was gone! But… She still did not learn, she continued to devide and place one child against the other! One of my brothers has disappeared and moved on… The other being a dutiful son stayed and did her bidding, and she’s at his mercy!
I mean a kind of mercy, she has the tendency to slip into her dementia here and there.
She broke her hip trying to climb the fig tree!
My brother left the day before on vacation! I had to deal with it for 10 days! ER-50 hours! Surgery-post surgery 4 days, trying to transfer her to rehabilitation 4 more days! She was on morphine, and other impaired drugs! She was delusional, illusional and we had a grand time! She was serving expresso to Drs, staff and visitors!
Rehabilitation is a beautiful place and more relaxing than a hospital! I had just gotten all settled and voila! Brother is back! Takes over without a whatfore! I was dismissed!
Relief! She doesn’t remember not an inkling of what has happened in the past two weeks!
Life is now rehabilitation and her version of it, the visitors and why you have not come to visit! LOL!
Lady’s and Gentlemen my mother!
( I’ve recently changed my blog, no name and photo, this is due to privatize some of the content from the true stories of family and friends who object to public scrutiny)
I want to live simply.
I want to sit by a window when it rains and read books I’ll never be tested on.
I want to paint because I want to, not because I have something to prove.
I want to listen to my body, fall asleep when the moon is high and wake up slowly, to no place to rush to.
I want not to be governed by money or clocks or any artificial restrains that humanity imposes on itself.
I just want to boundless and infinite.
~The Dance- Oriah Mountain Dreamer
Dawn is a beautiful time of the day. I really feel it is a time of awakening not only for the body and mind but also of the soul.
I sit and contemplate my day ahead of me and though myriad of thoughts flow through me, I calm my mind to one, yes the one that will guide me for the day, sustainable and true.
‘Breathe and let go’
The calm afterwards is overwhelming, I can do anything as long it is possible. I can overpass any obstacles as long as you let me be me.
But… There’s always the one, the others that feel your doing wrong, it is not the right way or it should be their way.
Ah, stubbornness kicks in and all hell breaks loose… It is at that point that everyone remembers the bad about me and it’s repeatedly passed around because I’m not doing it their way!
‘Even if you hear a bad story about me. Understand there was a time where I was good to those people too.’
That thought always passes through my mind when I talk to my imaginary audience. Yes, that audience that you can explain everything and they understand, rather than the real one that doesn’t really care what I say but only wants to believe the worst.
Back to morning meditation, those negative thoughts are refrained from entering my mind and my soul, my spirituality saves me from folding under.
So today as I sit and contemplate the day, I know I am true to myself!